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5 Feelings you may experience during grief
Although the 5 Stage Theory of Grief still seems to be everywhere in popular culture, more recent thinking supports the notion that
grief does not occur in "stages" as such.
Grief is more a blend of responses that can occur at any point in one's grief journey, and it is unique to the individual. When exposed to the Stages model, too many mourners worry that they don't seem to fit the pattern they've read about and therefore aren't "doing it right."
Grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such.
Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial.
Everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the grief experience and the work of mourning.
Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor
Copyright © 2004 Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved. If you are interested in publishing this article, please email
contact@selfhealingexpressions.com.
Denial- epitomizes the phrase, “this can’t be happening to me.” This feeling involves going about life as if nothing happened. Examples of denial include looking for the deceased loved one in familiar places, or setting the table for that person during dinner. There is no crying, mourning, or any acknowledgement of death.
Anger- this includes feelings of vengefulness and self-pity. One can be angry towards themselves (“this was my fault”), towards God (“how could you take her away”), or towards the deceased person (“how could you leave me”).
Bargaining- can take place before and/or after the loss. This includes deal-making and negotiating with the intent of reviving the deceased. One can attempt to make deals with God (“If you bring him back I will pray every day”), or with the actual deceased person (“If you come back I’ll always keep my room neat”). Often includes begging, wishing, and praying.
Depression- overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, bitterness, frustration, and mourning. People with depression often mourn their futures, which they presume to be destroyed. Experience a “numbness,” or “emptiness” in their bodies. Also can include feelings of suicide.
Acceptance- full acceptance of the loss as a part of one’s life. Bearing the loss quietly as one goes about daily life is NOT acceptance. Includes realization that the person gone did not leave you on purpose, and it is not their fault or yours. Includes finding the good that comes out of grief, turning that into personal goals. Also involves building a new relationship with the deceased loved one.
Not everyone goes through all of the stages, at the same time, or in the same order; healing is different for everyone. A person cannot be forced through stages, and most people go through them at their own pace.
It is important to remember that grief is a confusing emotion, and that everyone must go through it at several points during life.
-National Students of AMF (adapted from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, 1969)