I don't know whether this forum is still active or not, but.. Anyways, I need help.
My dad passed away this past May. He had lived with Hepatitis C for 18 years. In January, he had to go to the hospital because his feet had gotten so swollen that he could barely walk. They removed the water, quite a bit of it, and told him that he needed to change his diet if he wanted a few more years..
He changed to a low sodium diet. He had to quit working as well. He was a delivery van driver for Lonestar Overnight. Fast forward to late April. During that time, my dad's speech, reaction time, and movement had begun to slow down. Getting tired easily. I get a call one day in school that my family had went to the hospital. A friend dropped me off right after school.
He was admitted that night. The next few days, we learned that he didn't have good chances of surviving. So, among dropping in and out of consciousness, he clearly said that he wanted to go home to "go home".
I could barely stand to see him like he did. Sick, and dying. I did spend time with him before he did pass, but.. whenever I wasn't with him, I was usually out.
On May 2nd, the Saturday before he passed, was my prom. My dad had helped me pick out my tuxedo. I had also showed it off to him before I left. He said I looked "sharp".
Monday morning, May 4th, at 7:24 a.m., I get woken up by my mom. She tells me that my dad had just passed away.
It didn't hit me that he was gone til later that morning. We had.. put his work shirt on him. He loved his work dearly. As I looked down at him, I kept thinking "wake up, dad.. Please wake up...". I made the mistake of touching his shoulder. It felt unnaturally cold. I broke down so bad someone escorted me back to the living room. I curled up into a ball, only aware of my crying and the couch.
I've lost myself ever since that day. I just now recently began to feel "right", but I still have pockets of downs, like right now.
I'm aware that everybody else-my friends, even my family- have managed to adapt. I can even feel and see the college student I was meant to be if this didn't happen.
I've lost my confidence as well. I want to gain that back... I know it'll take time to grieve, but if at the very least, I just want my confidence back so that I can move on a bit easier..
Thanks to ANYONE that does read this. Sorry it's so long. There's more to the story, much more, but that's the essentials..
And, I remember seeing someone asking if having the time to say goodbye makes it somewhat easier on you.. I can tell you, as far as I can tell, I've received no benefit from it. Personally, it stung. Because, there's nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could do to stop his illness. I know I was fortunate, though. My heart does go out to thos who didn't have that time.
- Mason B., LimpingFury