Helping a Grieving Friend

Grief is difficult at any time in one’s life, but it can be devastating during college. Just a few of the stresses that grieving students face, include: academic pressures, social expectations to be “carefree,” developmental issues, and a general lack of discussion about grief. Despite the relatively large number of grievers, few students talk about their grief and most feel as though their friends don’t care or don’t “get it.”

The purpose of this page is two-fold: 1) provide information about how you can be there for your grieving friend and 2) give you a tool to communicate directly to your grieving friend that you’re there for them and that you’ve found this organization, which may be a good resource for them (click: Email This Page Email This Page and write a message to your friend).

 

1) Information about helping a grieving college student friend

Be sure to:

  • Communicate to your friend that you want to be a part of his/ her grieving process and that you are comfortable listening to his/her pain (you can do this by clicking here, Email This Page Email This Page).
  • Remember that grief takes time (years) to learn to live with and never goes away, so be there for them in the days as well as weeks, months, and years following the death.
  • Encourage your friend to open up about their grieving process with friends, family, and others who have grieved during college (including the “We get it” Supportive Blog).
  • Encourage your friend to honor their deceased loved one through service to others or an activity that their deceased loved one enjoyed.
  • Remember that you can’t take away their pain, but you can let them know they are not alone.
  • If the person who is in grief is suicidal, it is your moral and ethical responsibility to find/refer them to a mental health professional (through campus directory, calling suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255, calling 911, or http://locator.apa.org/).

When speaking with your friend about their grief:

  • Empathize with the pain he/she is going through — just knowing that you are there for support will be an immense source of strength.
  • Express your concern. Example: “I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you.”
  • Be genuine in your communication and don’t hide your feelings. Example: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
  • Offer to be helpful in concrete ways rather than as a general statement (“I’m happy to come over and make dinner one night if you need.” vs. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”)… follow through with this and repeat your offers!
  • Listen in a non-judgmental manner and let them tell their story as many times as they need/want to.
  • Allow periods of silence – offer silent support – be a good listener.
  • Don’t avoid the deceased person’s name.
  • (if you knew your friend’s loved one who is deceased) Talk about what you loved and miss about the deceased person.

Try to avoid:

  • Do not placate (e.g., “He’s in a better place now,” “It’s part of God’s plan,” or “Look at what you have to be thankful for”)
  • Do not say that you understand exactly what your friend is going through. Even if a significant loved one of yours has died, one’s reaction to death is very individualized.
  • Do not give advice about what your friend should or shouldn’t be doing in his/her own grief process.
  • Do not pass judgment on your friend’s timeline of grief there is no set time and remember grief is not a linear process.
  • Do not encourage them to make major changes in their life, let the grief process take it’s course.
  • Do not try to ‘fix them’ or make it all better — grief is a natural process.
  • Do not make statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about. . .” or “You might. . .”
  • Do NOT make assumptions that someone is doing great and “all better” based on their outward appearances – grieving is an internal process (feelings, body sensations, and other individual differences that may never be seen)

– Information offered by:

Michelle Hamilton, MHC, CT, a Bereavement Counselor, AMF Board of Alumni/Student Leaders, AMF Alumni member

Kiri Thompson, MS, LPC, a Child and Family Counselor, AMF Alumni member, and AMF Chapter Development Director

David Fajgenbaum, MSc

(These tips are a collection of personal tips, as well as from books, web pages, and respected organizations.)

Click here for another great article that summarizes good tips for supporting friends.

2) A tool to communicate directly to your grieving friend that you’re there for them and that you’ve found this organization, which may be a good resource for them.

Click: Email This Page Email This Page and then send an adapted version of the following email:
“Dear friend,
Not a day goes by that I do not think about your loss and what you have been going through. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you at any time to talk and listen. In fact, I was searching the internet for ways that I could help and I came across this awesome organization, National Students of AMF, which is dedicated to supporting college students coping with the illness or death of a loved one.  They provide information about grief, help students to start up Campus Chapters nationwide, and have a supportive blog for students to connect with others “who get it.”  Check out www.studentsofamf.org and let me know when you’d like to talk. I’m always here for you.

Best,

XXX”